Categories
Illness Mothers Poetry Spirituality Women Writing

612

 

Each time the phone rings

Each “612” area code

Sends panic down my spine

White knuckles my constant way

Burning me cold as ice

 

Tending to life

My world

In my prime

Ripe with possibilities

The phone rings through

My hands slippery as Minnesota black ice

 

Wrestling to pick up before voicemail

Hands shaking

Fumbling, rumbling, thick with anticipation

The call I’ve been dreading

Not yet, not now

 

Relief coursing through to the bone

We connect

Unable to articulate her feelings

She sticks to yes’ and no’s

As twenty questions ensue

 

My voice calm as a patient Mother

One she never was

Or could ever be

Her voice wracked with frustration

Unable to express her need

 

My right arm tremoring with fear

Holding the voice steady yet the body

Expressing the truth I am unable to allow

Me struggling to understand her need

She attempting to understand herself

 

Twenty questions adding a half hour plus

Pauses ripe with meaning

We shared more through the silence

Then when misunderstood words filled our lives

A Mother and Daughter at odds

Now simply filled with love

 

Our hearts creating clarity of understanding

No past allowed interference

Simply the mind searching for the words

And as the heart opened to receive

We found our way to mutual need

 

Union without bounds

Words without definitions

Sharing without requirements

Joy without expectations

Hearts without walls

 

 

 

 

Categories
Illness Mothers Poetry Spirituality Writing

Ambrosia for Her Soul

She breathes in the fantasies

Living through adventures born

From her daughter’s world

 

Holding tight desperately seeking

A life she would never know

She waits by the phone

Silence filling the air

Having waited too long

She turns away

Then all at once

The ring

 

Tentatively answering

Her heart races hearing

That oh so familiar voice

The salve for her soul

“Hello Mom…how are you?”

Barely able to contain herself

“Good”

 

Chattering on

A good five minutes or so

The daughter’s mundane tasks

Feed her full of newly born memories

Inserting herself as daughter

She returns to the fantasies

Reviewing, remembering

Her world still intact

Her only child feeding her life

 

Caught in a circle of questions

Once, twice, three times answered

A merry-go-round of words

Fills the void

The silent unknowns

 

“And how are those doggies?”

The always answer of “They are great”

Followed by a laundry list of wagging tails

And guard dog barking

Seems to serve her thirst for conversation

She laughs then

“Oh how I wish I could be there”

 

Silence

A wellspring of sorrow harkens

The daily moment when heartbreak beckons

 

“Oh how I wish I could be there”

But knowing the truth

This cannot be

The subject changes to weather

And the circle of questions

Begins again

Delighting

Filling her days

Ambrosia for her soul

 

Categories
Illness Mothers Poetry Spirituality Women Writing

Waiting

Sitting silently waiting

Disinfectant fills the air
A cave incrusted
With antiseptic walls
Waits for the moment
When fear subsides
Between heartbeats
The constant sound
Of hopeless wonder
Sends a paul of light
Infusing this artificial womb
The veil thins
The breath remains steady

Moments
A gentle snore
Gurgling
Whispering
Not Now
Not Yet
Closing a door
Opening a window
While in the same moment clinging
Just one more day
Nothing seems important anymore
Nothing but this moment
And the embrace
As the breath remains steady
Yet shallow

Categories
Mothers Poetry Spirituality Women Writing

Mom

She stands tall

Wheelchair locked behind glass doors

Hands cover her mouth

As if the bite of Minnesota

Had chilled her to the bone

But no

It was to mute her “Oh, Oh, Oh’s

Desperate to contain her joy

 

Stepping from the car

She walks

Then runs

Falling into her Mother’s arms

She nestles her face into the crook of her neck

The scent of roses infused with jasmine

Ignite memories thick

Folding her back into childhood

Where innocence turned fallow

But is now reborn

 

Brushing hair from her Mother’s face

Her make-up

Grease paint thick

Rouge clown bright

Lips Monroe red

The application

Signature Mom

A gift to show her independence

 

Her perfectly coiffed du

Twice weekly done

With long, luxurious manicured nails

Complimenting her red stained lips

And a black velvet pant suit

With jeweled Prada slip-ons

The latest fashion coordinates

To prove her thinking intact

 

Nothing but pure love spills from her

Not the mother of her yesterdays

Crusted through time

But the mother who is filling her heart today

Her essence bold and sweet

Her sweetness filled with gratitude and grace

Coming to the end of her days

With a kind of certainty

That captures the heart

 

Her world bound in raw emotion

An unsettling night brings feces

Torn bits of paper towel

Spilt milk

The faint scent of urine

 

A good day offers memories and cookies

Afternoon naps and belly-filling laughter

“Tell me about those doggies”

And “How funny is that”

 

Tender devotion blossoms

She becomes her intrinsic nature

From days of crinoline dresses

And patent leather Mary Jane’s

Her mother returns

Living where she had always dreamed

Within the innocent beauty of the Goddess’ delight

 

 

Categories
Books

A Case For Mernagis

What do you think friends?  Is this fragment worth expanding into a full story?…Did I tickle your desire for more?

 

Sorrow filled my soul
But then…
I saw you
Faint in the distance
A shadow glistening
Afraid but more curious
I walked towards you
Your hypnotic trance
Blinded me
The air filled with the scent of jasmine
The heavens became a pallet of colors
Blues, reds, greens…
I fell into the illusion
Thick with a desire I had never known
My heart raced wanton
I supplicated myself to you
And from that moment forward
I was yours completely

Salted tears fell on to her once wet scales soaking in every drop it could absorb. Why now? I wondered. Why did she not break into complete and utter pieces?

Shadows played constant in those days. We dared not speak of truth or wonderment or bliss or love. We learned the respect necessary for us to do their bidding. When she spoke of where she wanted to flow her energy it was always into the ground, earth, mother. She scattered the ashes of her soul until she could stand it no longer. Water’s freedoms held no place in her heart. Or that is what she wanted us to believe.

I would whisper into her torn heart, attempting to heal the wound but there was no healing left to be had. She had surrendered into twilight’s shadows and whispered the remembering sounds of her now lost homeland. The leader of a kingdom bereft and forgotten. The mission to be here was great but now? There was nothing left and she had no way of informing her children of their next steps.

I watched, observed, and recorded the events since before our homeland was diminished. I tell you now there is nothing more joyous than linking our skins, sharing our thoughts, merging our hearts…Nothing more freeing than lifting into water’s effervescence so as to share just a moment of joy…to become that joy. I would plead with her to let us link our tails. But no, she never acquiesced. She never allowed us to share our hearts and minds. “Too dangerous” she would telepath to us. Always in the simplest language. Two words to keep us on the straight and narrow.

As the keeper of our history, I felt it my duty to observe and record events both public and private. At times this entailed me following our people’s movements. But of course I would edit events as it seemed necessary and for the sake of clarity. And I always give her the greatest leniency. But she became so secretive about her comings and goings I felt it was now time to exercise my record keeping for the greater good of our peoples.

I stalked the shadows silently slithering my way over the earth’s carpet remaining nothing but a ghost, careful to not reveal a telepathic fragment. On alert just in case danger became eminent. There I found her merging with him. Teaching him the ways of our peoples. “How could she betray us?” I thought to myself. “She must have staged these rendezvous to keep him off balance. ” I felt her grief plunge her into the deepest of sorrows. She had always worn her heart on her wing. I watched as she entwined her tail from his feet up to his groin. Her excitement grew. My heart melted into hers. And he sensed the shift.

“Stop it!!!” her two-word command telepathed with utmost clarity; so much so that our union became that much more evident. But I couldn’t help myself. She was me. I was her. And our Sisters were forgetting.

I closed my eyes so as not to witness her betrayal but once again, I became consumed with her desire. It was a well of passion that seemed to me could never run dry. I climbed into my skin, raising myself above the jungle’s canopy and soaked in the damp dawn. The ecstasy I felt in this early dawn mist was the closest experience I had to our watery world’s stratosphere.

My hearts skipped a beat. Suddenly I found myself in a kind of ecstatic hunger I had never before experienced. I soared higher into the sky and as I did a rooting, a grounding chord of sorts, burst open from the bottom of my spine and began surging upwards. I could feel her frenzy, gushing back and forth against his lingam as it swelled into a hard mass. I soared higher and my womb beaconed me into union with all my water-lust sisters. My belly rose and lowered into a kind of dance with his lingam and as it did a heat rose into my solar plexus exploding into the birthing of a thousand suns. I became confused, frenzied, and unable to stop myself from this ecstatic hunger. I wanted more, whatever the cost.

I looked up into the icy blue sky now filled with white fluffy clouds. The sky was their pallate depicting beings of numerous kinds. These imagined beings seemed to share my ecstasy as I soared higher I felt the heat rise to my hearts where it danced and played moving into my breast and out my nipples connecting into a loop back down into my yoni and back again. The pleasure so intense I wanted it never to stop. Fearing a softening in the energy, I reached down with my hand rubbing my yoni in a soft rhythm. I could feel her frustration as I rebuilt the energy into yet an even greater pulsation. She wanted to maintain control. I wanted complete abandon.

And as our two opposing wills fought for control, he took his mouth to her breast suckling and she screamed in ecstasy as I rose even higher into the stratosphere. The clouds churned, blasting a chorus of thunderous harmonics as whips of lightning bolts shot through the sky. My voyeurism knew no bounds and I believe he knew I was there reaping his pleasure, increasing hers. With that awakening I knew I could control her want. I reached up to my breasts caressing them, tickling my nipples into pure delight.

The sky continued its cacophony of sound as she moved to the center of her heart’s fire and rose it up into her throat letting out sonic sounds so piercing yet so alluring as to burst the clouds open into a rain fierce with abandon. She looked up to the sky and although unable to see me as I hid behind one of the now dark gray masses, She knew I was there in all my voyeur-like joy. As I acknowledged this, her will took over raising the fire from her throat into her forehead. There it blazed out the center of her head into a stream of a thousand rainbows filled with lightening. Their two pelvises rocked forcefully back and forth in complete union, while I stayed in rhythm with them using my hand to substitute for his pelvis. Their heat rose in a spiral-like frenetic rhythm finally blasting out the top of their heads as the rain poured down around them. His once fierce heat was now subdued as he stroked her hair wet with rain gently rubbing what looked to me to be a third eye just above and directly in the middle of her brows.

I too was spent and gently floated downward eventually finding my way to the earth’s sweet floor.  After such sweet torment I found myself resting, surrendering to midnight’s call. And as I did I found myself recognizing the power of darkness. It is sweet, damp and full of untamed wonder. Nothing touches the dark but everything rises from it.

My head and face met the earth’s grace with a fierce desire to turn the day’s delight into a shadowy reflection of the night’s turbulent unknown. I laid my head to the side so as to feel the rich earth’s dampness on my face and breathed in the intoxicating aroma of musk delight. It tickled my nose and offered me a kind of excitement akin to my voyeuristic playground. I turned my head further into the soil breathing in the magical aromas. Rubbing my face deeply into the cool earth’s fragrance. I twitched and turned until I found myself writhing into the earth’s lair blanketing myself in her essential rhythms. Each odor of the night called to me as I moved my way to her. First the grass so sweet and soft…a bath of green dew; followed by root’s fallow smelling soured pleasures…

Categories
Illness Mothers Poetry Spirituality Women

For Leela

You were my touchstone

My cherished friend
Every moment with you a blessing
Every conversation a learning
Knowing you was knowing myself
And knowing myself was knowing Ma

I watched you leave
Waiting for the light to capture me as well

We were lovers of a different kind
Sisters deep
We sat in turmoil
Sat in worship
Sat in joy
Sat in love
We whispered in the dark
Sharing secrets

Every connection a treasure
Every touch a blessing
I miss you dearly
Sweet Sister
We never had the chance to say good-bye

Every evening I pray for my dreams to call you
Hoping beyond hope you will appear
And I will awaken the following day satiated
Our intimate connection still running deep

How do I circle the sun without you?
You were that connection that helped me believe
You were that connection that helped me know
You helped me touch love
Touch tenderness
Touch life
You helped me know who I am

I wait for you to call again
Just one more time

I remain behind in silent practice

Categories
More Stuff Poetry Spirituality Women Writing

Sacred Circle

They sit in sacred circle embracing
Legs crossed, eyes closed
Silence beaconing power
Every nest filled with eggs
Their seats uniquely press
Emergent power now birthing
Each holds sacred her call
Adorned in distinctive costume expressing
One donned in yards of Indian sparkle
One simply white tea-shirt clad
One short haired blonde scrunched with goo
Another with silken black hair cascading
Cloaked for a world choked in fear
Each style reflecting her soul
Voices ring out with celestial music calling
Sirens seduce a simple bija caw
The Goddess appears full light abounding
Holding the mirror reflecting beauty’s awe
Every soul’s unique note blends seamless
A symphony of influence now ignites
Each song pronouncing her light

Categories
Poetry Spirituality Writing

Soured Fragments

You dangled a treasure map
Replacing understanding with confusion
Sweetening a story
That offered a mythic truth
Filled with purpose
I poured my soul open
And barren for you
You turned away
Leaving me with nothing
But soured fragments
You called blessings

A thousand questions unanswered
A thousand words left unsaid
Silence greeted time
Creating a gap
Where loosing you
Stung that much more

I pleaded with Mother
Let me feel nothing
But that was not to be
She remained silent
Offering me a gift
To breath
And bend
And bleed
Until my heart cracked
Then opened

Precious thoughts burst
Like a thousand suns
Feeding each moment
With a kind of nourishment
Allowing me to discover
Who I am
And why I am
And how I am

The experience of you was resplendent
But tortuous

Wondering
Wanting
Worshiping
Waiting

Expecting nothing

Categories
Poetry Spirituality Writing

Dancing the Silence

Beyond reason
Beyond time
My belly ripe with the season
Echoing a now lost understanding
Curious and wanting
I waited for you

As moments beckoned inconsistent
But true
I paced then sat
Still yet with movement unending
Lies offering solace
Stories thick with woe

I sat facing a darkening sky
Sketched in twilight’s grays
Yet still filled with color
The hand of Ma in constant motion
An ever joyous reverie
Dipping into sunset’s surrender

Each of Her brush strokes
Offering a new tale
Inspired by yesterday’s journey
I remained still
Silent excepting my heartbeat
As the wind rushed past my ears

The music of the spheres expressing
Through nature’s dance
Hands offering wonder
As mudras held the stories
The heavens ever blackening
Calling to me in stillness’ wonder

I reached within my heart
Grabbing onto the pain
And in one fell swoop
Emptied myself of yesterday’s fascination
Shadows still danced
Pulsating rhythm echoing the silence

I wondered light’s fantastic play
Would She remember the dawn?
Sitting back in reverie
I witnessed Her calling
Then waited for silence to fill my heart
Stillness relentless, shameless, echoing my awakening

Perhaps it was the moments in between
Perhaps it was in the reverie belying tomorrow
Never understanding the cause
I forged fully into darkening sunsets
And whispered into mantra’s blessings
While waiting in the moonlight

The tinkling of angelic choirs sounded
Gracefully spinning their tales of time
Softly cooing, joyfully sounding
They moved through the body electric
Echoing the music of spheres
Twilight’s reflecting gaze gave rise

My heart expanded beyond all capacity
And as I entered this realm of purity
I burst into millions of pieces
Merging with each star’s message
I sounded the call of beginnings
And nestled soundly into my purpose

Where was this story to begin?
And where was it to end?
Never before had I whispered truth
With such ferocity of form
I surrendered to the cause
Slipping easily into the journey

Come play with me dear ones
As I help us to remember the simplicity
Of grace’s first heavenly call
And offer a mystery through our history
A womb-filled beginning
Of playful unending beauty….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Categories
Poetry Writing

The Breath

My Essence

I have given over to the earth

 

My Creation

I have given over to the blood

 

My Power

I have given over to the fire

 

My Love

I have given over to the breath

 

My Light

I have given over to the sky

 

And in each sky, each fire, each breath

There is the reflection of you in my heart

 

You blessed my essence, creation, power

And offered yourself to my unique bounty

 

What was it I beheld in your seeming innocence?

It churned the very fabric of my being

 

When I gazed into you…your fire, breath, sky

I recognized the reflection of myself

 

And as frightened as I became

I learned to surrender

 

Time has passed now

My innocence is gone

 

Wrapped in the light you offered me

I continue to walk the path

 

I give over all that I am

To you

 

As I surrender to the breath